falling when i try to fly
by beyond-the-twilight
Summary: "She didn't expect them to have replaced her – to have grown closer and closer until the spot that she had previously occupied was completely filled – but that's what happened" - AU oneshot, spoilers for Deathly Hallows, details inside.


**A/N: Starts off as Hermione-focused, but eventually expands to focus on everyone because I just love all the characters too much to exlude them. This is an AU of after the final battle in The Deathly Hallows, and before the nineteen years later part, and it's my first ever Harry Potter fanfiction, so I'm eager to share it with you. **

**I do not own Harry Potter. I am not J.K. Rowling. Man, how amazing would life be if you were J.K. Rowling... **

The first thing she does when the final battle is won is leave. She leaves the Weasley's crying over Fred and she leaves Harry alone, blaming himself over every single death because she has more important things to do.

Ron and Harry have been her family for so long now but she has a real family out there, a family who doesn't even know she exists anymore. And after all this time, after destroying horcruxes and maybe falling in like (_love_) with one of her best friends, her family comes first.

So she grabs her handbag, the one she's had packed for about a week, and the feeling of déjà vu is overpowering. She remembers, at the start of the year, having her bag packed, with books and clothes, and just waiting for the perfect moment so that they could leave.

But this time, it's just her. Her bag has been packed for a week because she knew that after the final battle, she wouldn't be staying (it makes her feel like a terrible friend because if Harry or Ron died, she would have left anyway).

She's been part of a trio for years but it's time for her to remember that other trio, the one before Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley: her mum and dad.

So she leaves.

* * *

She's gone for a year and she doesn't write once. She travels the world looking for her parents and it's harder than she thought it would be. She thought that after everything she's had to deal with, she was entitled to something easy. She was wrong though, which is getting more and more frequent lately.

So she doesn't write to Harry, her best friend, or Ron, the boy whose had a piece of her heart since fourth year when she refused to turn her back on him even though he wanted to turn his back on Harry.

She's terrified that her letters will be intercepted and she and her parents will be hunted down and killed. Voldemort might be dead and Bellatrix may have received the punishment she deserved for her crimes, but there are other death eaters out there, ones who will want her blood because of what she, Ron and Harry did.

So she doesn't contact them until the day she finds her parents.

They look so happy, just the two of them, and it's so much safer if they don't remember who she is because no matter how much time passes, there will always be someone who wants to make Hermione Granger suffer.

She may have sealed her fate on that terrifying day she, Ron and Harry defeated Voldemort and Quirrell in their first year, but she isn't going to seal their fate too.

So she apparates back to The Burrow, hoping that she can find comfort there now that she's made the ultimate sacrifice by protecting her parents.

She's never been more wrong.

* * *

They don't welcome her back with open arms. In fact, it's quite the opposite. A lot has changed within a year.

George is missing one ear and half of himself and she quickly realizes that she didn't even attend the funeral. He works long hours at the joke shop, sometimes accompanied by Ron, but he never smiles and he stops talking when she walks into a room.

Bill and Fleur have a baby who is quite clearly the apple of their eye. She didn't even know Fleur was pregnant and the part-Veela beauty refuses to let her near her child.

Percy is in and out of the house on a regular basis, always wearing a smile for his families benefit. The smile fades when he sees Hermione and quickly settles into a disapproving frown because she left. She should have learnt from his mistakes but she left anyway and that makes her public enemy number one.

Molly Weasley acts like she did back in their fourth year when she thought Hermione had broken Harry's heart. Molly, who had always been a second-mother to the teenage witch, had firmly turned her back on the young brunette, only acknowledging her when it was strictly necessary.

Ginny, it seemed, didn't belong with anyone. Her mum kept a firm eye on her, probably because of the fact that Ginny had almost been on the wrong end of a killing curse, but she had no friends. Her brothers were too busy, caught up in their own dramas, to hang out with their little sister. _Harry, _the boy Ginny had always loved, could barely look at the redhead, and Hermione didn't know if they were even dating anymore. And even though Ginny had no one else, she still refused to speak to Hermione, the girl who she had once counted as a sister but had turned her back on them without a second word.

Harry and Ron were the worst though. She expected to slide straight back into their routine, with their inside jokes and that secret communication that only best friends of many, many years shared. She didn't expect them to have replaced her – to have grown closer and closer until the spot that she had previously occupied was completely filled – but that's what happened.

So she was alone in all sense of the word because her parents didn't know who she was and her friends liked to pretend that she didn't exist anymore, and it would have been so easy to leave.

But that's what started the mess in the first place and she wasn't going to give up on them. She wasn't going to leave them again.

* * *

Harry and Ron exist as though Harry, Ron _and Hermione _never, ever happened. They act like they did in their first year, when she was just the annoying, smartass that no one wanted as a friend.

She hated most of her first year – hated being alone, hated being hated, hated Hogwarts – until the troll in the girls bathroom and Harry and Ron. She hates most of her life now – hates being alone, hates being hated, hates The Burrow – and she hates herself for leaving these people in the first place.

So when the option of returning to Hogwarts to complete her final year arrives, she jumps at the chance. It's taken a year to repair the castle, as Professor McGonagall – the newly appointed headmistress – decided to have it rebuilt without magic, as a tribute to everyone who died.

Harry and Ron opt against returning – Harry already has a position lined up at the Ministry for Magic in the Auror Department and Ron just refuses to return to the place where he lost his brother – but Molly Weasley forces Ginny to go back.

So she and Ginny pack their bags, and they head back together, although Ginny refuses to talk to her. They're in the same year, which is a shock to Hermione, because Ginny was always seen as the youngest, yet she's grown up so fast.

She doesn't like Hogwarts as much the second time around.

* * *

She misses the adventures she, Ron and Harry shared, she misses the invisibility cloak, she misses Professor Dumbledore and Professor Lupin (he was always Harry's favourite) and she even misses Professor Snape (he may have turned out to be a good guy but she still can't get over that small part of her who always hated him).

She hates the stares she receives in the corridor and she hates the fact that everyone knows her story. Most of all, she hates the fact that she's doing this alone, and that although the seventh year is almost doubled in size (what with all the people returning _and _the current seventh years), she still doesn't belong.

So she throws herself into her studies and once again, she's the smartest witch in her year. Over time, they see her as more as Harry Potter's friend. They see her for the intelligent witch she strives to be and they look up to her.

It's (almost) everything she ever wanted but she still feels empty inside.

* * *

Ginny gets into a situation she can't handle on the anniversary of Fred's (and Voldemort's) death. It's been two years since the epic final battle, and most of the students cry all day, and the ones who were there for the final fight skip school that day, choose to visit Hogsmeade and drink as much as they possibly can (not realizing that Professor McGonagall left the gate open for them).

So Ginny ends up drinking for most of the day, and although it's not strong stuff, it's still too much for her. She stumbles out of the pub, and straight into one of her ex-boyfriends. One whose also drunk.

She screams for help, tries to reject his kisses and his wandering hands, because she loves Harry, but no one hears her. She prepares herself for the pain that's about to come when Hermione arrives out of nowhere, pulling the boy away.

She pushes him to the floor and kicks him while he's down before looking at Ginny with tears in her eyes. The boy on the floor doesn't realize that he's gotten off lucky though, and pushes his luck.

"You filthy Mudblood", he hisses, his eyes narrowed.

And she flies into a rage, cursing and screaming and kicking at him, trying to pull her wand out of her back pocket while Ginny watches on helplessly.

"Hermione, stop it! He's not worth it", Ginny screams frantically, which seems to get throw to her former friend. The boy, taking his chance, picks himself off and runs back towards the school.

Hermione collapses to the floor, pulling off her jacket and her scarf as she lets the snow cool her body down. Her short sleeve shirt does nothing to cover the scar on her arm: _Mudblood. _

"Hermione, why didn't you heal this? You should have done it straight away; you could have saved yourself permanent damage. You aren't going to be able to get rid of it now", Ginny whispered.

"Don't say anything Ginny", the brunette warned, before standing up and making her way back to the school, leaving Ginny crying in the snow.

* * *

After that, she wasn't so alone anymore. Ginny would sit with her in the common room after dinner and they'd work on their homework together. Sometimes, they'd sit next to each other in class or at lunch, but it didn't happen all the time because most of the school had decided that being seen with Hermione Granger was a social death sentence. After all, she had deserted Harry Potter and Ron Weasley – two of the schools biggest heroes.

It wasn't perfect and she wasn't always happy but she didn't complain because it was more than she deserved.

She'd grown accustomed to it being just her and Ginny when she received an invitation to The Burrow for Christmas.

It was from Ginny of course, because the others still weren't talking to her, but to be invited after everything was enough for her.

So she packed her bags and went to The Burrow for Christmas.

* * *

She helped Ginny wrap all her presents and slide them under the tree when no one was looking, and she did her best to keep smiling no matter what everyone else thought about her being there.

She didn't think her life could get any better until Christmas Day, when the presents were being handed out.

_To Hermione; From Harry_

It was just an envelope but at the same time, it was an _envelope _and after two years of no contact, he was trying to reach out to her.

She ripped open the envelope and a photo fell out. It was a photo of the three of them taken one Christmas. She was in the middle because Harry had wanted her to have a turn standing in the centre.

Her face, however, had a large black cross through it. Tears fell on the photo as she turned it over to see the back.

_Ron and I did this when we realized you weren't coming back... you helped us so many times, we would've done the same for you, but you didn't even ask us. Why weren't we good enough Hermione?_

(She retreats to her room after that).

* * *

"Merry Christmas Ron", she whispers as she walks into the kitchen later that night. Only Ron's in the kitchen as he frantically digs through the fridge looking for some food.

"What do you want Hermione?" he whispers tiredly, closing the fridge door and turning to face her.

"My two best friends"

"You ruined that when you walked out of Hogwarts that day without looking back. After everything Hermione, you should have stayed. You should have stayed".

"Ron..."

"Just don't. I hate you"

"But Ron, we were supposed to end up together. It was supposed to be me and you against the world..."

"Just don't Hermione", he hisses as he stalks out of the kitchen, turning his back on her like she did to _them _so long ago.

* * *

"Why have you still got that word carved into your arm?" Harry asks after breakfast on Boxing Day. Everyone else has already gone outside for a snowball fight except the two of them.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw it Hermione. You could have healed it if you had just cast a spell on it within a week. Why didn't you heal it?"

"We all have scars Harry, and this is just the one I have to live with", she whispers, her fingers trailing absentmindedly over the jagged letters. "Erasing it would be like erasing everything we went through... it happened and I can't just pretend it didn't".

He just nods at her and walks out of the room.

* * *

And maybe Christmas at The Burrow isn't perfect. Maybe Ron (and by extension, Harry) refuses to be in the same room as her after their run in on Christmas Day, and maybe George doesn't come down stairs at all.

Maybe Ginny cries herself to sleep because she and Harry aren't together and she misses the man she loves. Maybe Fleur glares at her all the time, and maybe James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Dobby, Hedwig, Dumbledore, Snape and _Fred _aren't there but it's perfect in her eyes.

Because they may hate her but she _loves _them, and she will never stop loving her family. She made a mistake in leaving but she won't make that same mistake again.

* * *

She leaves to go back to Hogwarts a couple of days after Christmas has finished and there are two notes sitting on the top of her suitcase as she prepares to leave.

_You aren't the only one with scars Hermione. We're all far from healed, and I doubt we'll ever be whole again. I think, one day, we'll be able to help you heal 'Mione. Just not now... we need time. Take care of yourself until we can do it for you. – Harry. _

_Maybe it _was_ supposed to be me and you against the world. Maybe one day, I'll be able to look at you without seeing my brother lying dead on the floor, or your back walking away, and we'll be able to find out. Enjoy what's left of your (our) final year – Ron. _

It's not forgiveness and it's not a promise but it's something.

And to her, it's everything.

* * *

She finally plucks up the courage to ask Ginny what's happening with Harry when they've been back at school for about a month (and there are only a couple of weeks left until graduation).

"I cheated on him and he found out", the red-head whispers, her eyes filling with tears. "It was after Fred's funeral and I couldn't breathe, and Harry was being so supportive, but I just needed someone to treat me like I wasn't delicate. It was supposed to be a one-time thing that Harry was never supposed to know about but word of it got around and when he asked me to deny it, I couldn't lie. Not to his face".

"Do you still love him?"

"More than anything, Hermione. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I regret it so much. It just hurt so, so, so much. Please, don't judge me. I can't take you leaving me too".

"I can't judge. I left Harry _and _Ron and there's not a day that goes by where I don't regret my actions"

* * *

Time passes, as it always does, and over time, they begin to forgive her. It's not noticeable to anyone but Hermione. It's not like they make a huge grand gesture, with a cake and candles and music. It just happens.

Harry will hold a door open for her, and Ron will pass the mashed potatoes at dinnertime. She and Ginny are closer than ever, and Fleur doesn't snap when she gets too close to her child.

It's not like it was the first time, but maybe this time, its better. Maybe three people like she, Harry and Ron weren't supposed to be that close forever. Maybe they'd have pushed and pushed at each other until inevitably their friendship was destroyed.

Maybe its better that they build anew now before they ruined each other and everything they ever shared.

* * *

Christmas time means mistletoe, and mistletoe means awkward kisses with people you normally can't imagine kissing.

It means family moments and presents and laughter.

It means George spending Christmas Day locked inside his bedroom, and all of them pretending they can't hear him crying or the sounds of things being thrown at the wall.

(It means she and Ron kissing under the mistletoe with Harry clapping in the background).

* * *

Dating Ron is different than she imagined it to be. She thought she, Ron and Harry would be as close as ever but every Friday night, she and Ron would sneak off on dates and moonlit walks.

She also thought Harry and Ginny would be together and Fred and George would be running their joke shop and that Severus Snape was pure evil.

She was wrong and she's slowly realizing that.

Harry and Ginny have been broken up for over two years, Fred's been _dead _for over two years and Severus Snape has shot up on Ron and Harry's list of favourite people.

She was wrong.

And she's wrong about her relationship with Ron as well. He and Harry are extremely close, and she and Harry are repairing their relationship, and she and Ron are repairing their relationship but they, the three of them, are rarely together.

Ron is sometimes quiet, and sometimes doesn't want to speak to her, only _Harry, _but she grows to accept it because she thought that she'd never have anything with Ron again, and this is so much more than she deserves.

* * *

"Why did you leave Hermione?" George asks one afternoon when they're the only ones home. "You knew we'd need you, knew that we counted you as family... why did you leave?"

"For my parents", she answers honestly, "I used a memory erasing charm when Harry, Ron and I were going to hunt for horcruxes because I was thought it was for the best. When Voldemort died, I thought that I could find my parents and remove the charm so that I could have my parents back. I just had to think about me for once, not the three of us"

"Did you find them?"

"I did but they looked so happy and safe that I couldn't undo the charm. You guys are all I have left George", she whispers, her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't hurt Ron or you'll have me to deal with", George sighs before turning and walking away.

"George", she calls after him, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for Fred's funeral"

He just nods his head and keeps walking.

* * *

Harry and Ginny get drunk one night and stumble into bed together. It's just like old times except the next morning, Harry refuses to look at her. He can't let it mean anything.

His life is never that easy though because Ginny falls pregnant and because he's always been a good guy, he proposes.

He never stopped loving Ginny, not really, and maybe this baby is the best thing that could've happened to him, to them.

(Hermione falls pregnant too, and she and Ginny are pregnancy buddies).

* * *

There are babies and proposals and weddings and laughter, but there are also many, many tears.

Life after Voldemort isn't as perfect as they thought it would be. They thought that after the Dark Lord was finally vanquished, everything would just fall perfectly into place.

It didn't though because for Harry Potter and his friends, nothing was that simple. They fight, and cry, and suffer heartbreak. They celebrate more death-anniversaries than birthday's and actual anniversaries.

There's Sirius's day, where Harry refuses to get out of bed. There's the anniversary of Dumbledore's death, and Snape's death, and Cedric's, and Mad-Eye Moody's, and Hedwig's, and Dobby's, and the day of the final battle – Fred, Lupin, Tonks, Colin Creevy and so many other people.

And on the anniversary of the final battle, they light a candle for each person that died and read the list of the deceased and it's a morbid day. Only the people involved in the battle attend – the children are otherwise entertained – and it's something they've grown accustomed to.

Maybe their life after Voldemort is filled with a lot of pain and many tears, but it's also filled with love and laughter and there isn't an overwhelming, terrifying fear that they'll be hunted down and killed.

* * *

George marries Angelina Johnson, after a long, confusing relationship that is practically impossible to keep track off.

Sometimes, it seems like Angelina is the only thing keeping George alive, and other times, it's like George only wants Angelina because, once upon a time, she was Fred's.

He smiles more when she's in the room, though, and she allows him to name their son Fred, and after all that's happened, it's just what George needs.

* * *

They all grew up, and it's kind of strange to be considered an adult when, throughout everything, everyone was constantly reminding them that they were still children.

Harry became an Auror for the Ministry of Magic, just like he always wanted to, and eventually, he became the head of the department, taking time out from his job to lecture at Hogwarts.

Ron worked at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes with George before joining Harry in the Auror department at the Ministry.

And Hermione eventually decided to track down her parents again because her children deserved to know their grandparents. She said goodbye to everyone this time, before returning (with her parents) and working for the Ministry of Magic, in both the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and eventually, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.

They finally became the responsible adults they'd been impersonating for years.

* * *

When they drop their children off at Platform Nine and Three Quarters that day, they make a perfect picture.

It's a lie because they aren't this perfect. They scream and cry and shout and hate each other half of the time, but at the same time, it's the truth, because after everything, they are inexplicably bound together.

And as their children get on the train, Hermione is reminded of the first time she boarded the Hogwarts Express.

She was so terrified because everyone seemed to know what they were doing. They looked so confident, like they knew they were supposed to be at Hogwarts but she was so scared because the books she's been reading haven't told her the full story and she just wants to be amazing.

She remembers walking into Ron and Harry's carriage, and she remembers Ron trying to turn Scabbers yellow. She remembers everything that happened after that, everything that happened because of the three of them.

Maybe they aren't so close anymore, maybe distance and age has put a gap between them, but at the end of the day, they are _hers _and she is _theirs _no matter what happens.

(And if she was given a time-turner now and told that she could change anything she wanted to, she'd still walk into their carriage and set them onto the path that's led them here.

All the deaths and tears and tantrums and fights have led them to where they are supposed to be. She wouldn't change that for anything, because now, nineteen years later, they're perfect).


End file.
